"RICH" BOYFRIEND IS SECRETLY BROKE

Last weeks confession kind of inspired me to vent about something that I haven’t told anyone. A few years ago I started dating my boyfriend. He is such a sweet guy and we are very much in love but he is terrible with money. I constantly spot him money for bills, hand him my card under the table when we are out at dinner. When he gets paid he blows his money on fancy things for himself and me so everyone around us thinks he’s basically rich but he is totally broke and in debt. I feel like I’m lying to everyone around me and I’m tired of pulling his weight. Like I said our relationship is great otherwise we barely ever fight, both faithful, lots in common, friends and family love him. Cant help but think they might feel differently if they new the truth. What do I do about this?

It sounds like this secret has been eating you alive! Financial problems can be such a significant source of stress, especially when you are trying to keep up appearances. Although your relationship is strong in other ways, constantly lying and covering for someone can build resentment over time. Truthfully, I think this situation says a lot more about him than it does about you. Someone that allows a partner to save them over and over again may be taking advantage, knowing the security blanket is always there. The line between helpful and enabling can be a hard one to walk. 

You need to have a sit down conversation with him to express your concerns, set some boundaries, and come up with a more helpful plan than you always bailing him out. Tell him the pressure of secretly helping him is starting to bother you because you feel dishonest about the whole situation. If you explain it in the perspective of how it is affecting you, he will not feel as attacked. Be clear that you can not cover his expenses anymore. Blame it on your own budget and spending limits! 

If you are feeling like a really good human, you can help him set up a budget and a payment schedule for his debt. There are so many budgeting apps you can download right on your phone to make it easy. Maybe supporting him emotionally and giving him solutions to the problem can replace supporting him financially. There are also counselors and therapists that can help get to the bottom of the over-spending and help correct the behaviors. 

Being a little more frugal does not have to ruin all the fun. Maybe agree on no fancy gifts for a while, especially with the holidays coming up. Instead, get creative with dates. You could do some movie marathons, game nights, outdoor activities, cooking, DIY projects, work out together etc. Who knows, you may even bond on a whole new level!

Ultimately, if he is unwilling to change or just showing an absolute lack of effort, you have to look out for yourself here. Evaluate how this behavior is going to affect you long term. If you plan on settling down together, you are marrying his financial habits. Buying a car or home, having children, traveling - these are all hard things to accomplish when your money is falling into a black hole. 

Addressing this issue may be really uncomfortable, but it could help strengthen your relationship for the future. If nothing else, it will show you his true colors through his actions and you can decide if this is a person you want to continue to pursue life with. Either way, the burden will be lifted. Good luck! xo