MY HOOKUP SHOWED UP AT MY JOB

How would you reject someone that is inappropriately crossing your boundaries?

Hey girl. Please help me reject a guy. A few months ago I hooked up with someone from a dating app after a first date. It was definitely a moment of weakness and I explained to the guy that was out of character for me and I wanted to slow things way down and he seemed to understand. This guy will now not leave me alone. He is constantly sending me tiktoks, snapchats and texts all day long. He often calls and asks me to hang out but I have been pretty busy. Yesterday he was outside of my job when I clocked out to surprise me. I totally froze and ended up grabbing food with him. I had such a weird feeling about him showing up to my job. Because he has been to my apartment complex, I'm getting nervous he may show up there too. I’m not sure if he is creepy or if I am just being too nice. Am I totally overreacting? How can I explain my feelings (or lack thereof) and let him down easy.

Years ago I had met a guy that seemed so sweet. Always texting me good morning, asking me on sweet dates, complimenting me, etc. You could not convince me I did not just meet my soulmate. Quickly, my busy schedule became inconvenient for him. I was working retail at the time and he started showing up at my job asking for me. He brought me coffee, shopped for “his mom”, anything to come in the store and see me. While some of my coworkers thought it was endearing, I always had a pit in my stomach when he would show up. Long story short, after a few nice conversations and set boundaries, he continued to text, call and show up.  A manager I was friends with at the time helped me gain the courage to finally reject him once and for all, block him and would hide me in the back room when he would show up. He eventually got the message and left me alone. I was lucky it never escalated further. Alls to say, with a little help from a friend and a lot of courage, I was able to put a stop to a situation that was causing me so much anxiety, stress and fear. Even though the thing I feared most was the confrontation itself.

Life as a girl on the dating scene seems to be a constant battle of lack of attention or way too much attention from potential suitors. Either way, it can be so uncomfortable to express when something is not working in romantic situations. I can not tell you this guy’s intentions, however I will say when you listen to your gut, remember your worth and deliver clear boundaries, you can really make a difference in your love life.

First, please remember to just be honest and direct. Some people simply can not read between the lines. Be effective and communicate plainly that you need some space. Use a compliment to slightly soften the blow. Say something like “Hey, I really appreciate you showing your interest in me but to be honest its coming off a little strong. I would prefer if we interacted less throughout the day and if you could not show up to my job. It is inappropriate”. Setting clear boundaries about what is appropriate and what is not can help set parameters for him to follow. If your intentions are to cut ties completely, do not beat around the bush. Say “Look, I had a great time at first but I don’t think this is the match for me. I appreciate the time we took to get to know each other and I wish you the best, but I think its time to go our separate ways.” You can be kind and still set extremely firm limits. 

After you set these boundaries, limit contact. If you have the self control to not answer calls and texts and not view stories and other social media posts, do so. Sometimes, though, that can be really hard. Do not be ashamed to unfollow, mute, do not disturb, or even block if need be. You phone is part of your diet. You do not owe anyone your mental real estate, no matter the level of relationship. If your boundaries are ignored or disrespected, immediately seek further action. If he is not blocked, do so first. Then, talk to someone. Tell a trusted friend, parent, roommate, coworker or someone else that can support you and help give you the confidence to assert yourself if need be. 

If at any time you feel unsafe or the behavior becomes dangerous seek help immediately. Stalking or harassment of any kind is grounds to talk to security in your workplace or apartment complex, or even the police. Your safety is most important and it is always better to ask for help and not end up needing it, than not ask for help and end up in a scary situation. 

You have a right to your safety, feelings, happiness and peace of mind. Follow what your gut is telling you and surround yourself with support. Most of all, do not let fear of confrontation hold you in an uncomfortable situation. Take care of yourself. Part of the dating experience will be letting go of what does not work for you in order to make room for what will. Good luck, be safe, get it off your chest and move on. Let us know how it goes girly! xo