CAN YOU BE FRIENDS WITH AN EX

Can you really ever be just friends with an ex…asking for a friend

Recently I’ve been indulging in way too much reality tv and wondering the same thing. In these ensemble, co-ed reality shows, you watch exes coexist in the same friend group and wonder -  are they actually just friends or is there funny business happening when the cameras go down?

Some people swear by staying buddies with their ex. In their eyes, having that person in their life in a friend capacity is better than not at all. The ability to stay friends after being romantic totally depends on the details of the relationship and breakup and history of friendship before the relationship. If there is a level of maturity from both parties, I think it is possible to be friends but clear boundaries have to be set and both people have to be on the same page. 

First things first, do not try to slide right into friendship directly after a breakup. Take time to heal and fully move on emotionally. Make sure you both have the closure you need and there are no questions or expectations left on the table. The intention of both people should be to have a friendship and nothing more. If one of you is hoping to prolong the emotional side of things, it is going to get real messy, real fast. 

Another obstacle to watch out for is when one of you inevitably moves on to a new love. If either person starts dating someone new, being friends with your ex may be a complication. It is essential to be totally transparent with your new partner and your ex with the expectations of the situation and respect whatever boundaries are set.

Of course there are situations where being friends is just a bad idea. If your ex was unfaithful, abusive, manipulative, dangerous or negative in any way, let them go and let the relationship be a thing of the past. Sometimes a potential friendship is suggested as a tactic to control someone or at least keep them on a string so just beware of that kind of cunning behavior.

In most cases, relationships end negatively which is why most people can not be friends after. It is normal to outgrow people and move on. Remember the good times, internalize the lessons, remember your worth, and go after the next thing that is meant for you. Most of all, do not compare your relationship or your healing to someone else’s. Everyone and every situation is unique.

Xoxo