BOYFRIEND & BESTIE HATE EACH OTHER

How would you handle it if the two most important people in your life had major beef?

Dear Jenna, I am writing in to ask for advice on something that has been happening for a while. My best friend and my boyfriend do not get along and its driving me crazy. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and have been friends with my best friend since childhood. Everyone in my life seems to like him - except my best friend. She thinks I deserve better and is very open and honest about that opinion. My boyfriend gets annoyed with her giving me her opinions about our relationship, and also thinks she isn’t the greatest friend for other reasons. This conflict has made me so upset lately because it is not getting any better. Do I try to address it with them or do I just try to keep them apart? I do not want to lose either of them but I am finding it hard to make time for both without making the other one mad. Help!   

Hi friend! That sounds like an extremely uncomfortable situation to be in the middle of. It does not seem like keeping them apart is working, so it might be time for a sit down. When resolving any conflict, communication is key, so the first step is going to be addressing each of them separately. Talk to your best friend and explain that this guy makes you happy and it is really hurtful when she talks badly about him. Thank her for looking out for you and trying to protect you, but assure her that you want to be in this relationship and you are safe and content with your decision. She will probably state all the reasons she thinks you deserve better, but you have to stay strong and set the boundary that you will not tolerate her bashing your relationship any more because it is just creating a wedge in your friendship with her!

Now to tackle the boyfriend. Same rules apply. Have a calm discussion with him and explain that it is really upsetting when he talks negatively about your bestie. Explain to him that you have been friends for a very long time and you are sure she only has your best interest at heart. Tell him that you also had an in depth conversation with her about her behavior and that being put in the middle is causing you a ton of stress. Show gratitude for him trying to have your back and remind him that you care for him and feel fulfilled in your relationship regardless of the opinions of others. He might get defensive or frustrated, and of course hear him out on his perspective, but ultimately stay firm and set clear limits. The negativity from both of them has to stop.

Hopefully, after each of these conversations, you will be able to come to an agreement with them both on a way for them to coexist in a civil manor. When getting them together, start with group settings. Maybe provide a common ground for conversation or pick activities that everyone will find enjoyable. Show them through actions that you love and value them both, and you do not want either of them going anywhere. Once they are able to be graciously in the same room, see if you can compliment them on how joyful it makes you feel when they get along. With some patience and some positive reinforcement, their relationship will (fingers crossed) improve.

With all of that said, if either one of them really dig their heels in and resist playing nice, you may want to consider their motives. Would a person who deeply cares about you go out of their way to ruin a happy relationship you have with someone else? Some tough love is always good, but look out for the difference between tough love and manipulation. There are often times where people simply don’t have the best intentions at heart, and that is okay, because you do not have to stay and accept that. It does not matter if the person is your childhood friend, romantic partner, or any other close relationship; you get the final say on who is a part of your life and who is not. There is no need to go ballistic or be dramatic, just simply stop. Surround yourself with people who do look out for your well-being and add positivity to your life. 

I don’t know how often these two have to be in the same room for you, but hopefully they will be able to squash their differences every once in a while to make their favorite lady happy. Best of luck talking to them both! Wishing you (and them) peace!