AITA: I TOLD MY SISTER'S BF SHE COULD DO BETTER

This is a bit of an “am I the asshole” question here we go. My sister is mad at me for telling her boyfriend she could do better. They were fighting a few days ago in front of me and he was being rude so I interrupted and said “you should watch your mouth my sister could do so much better”. I thought everyone would laugh at the roast and stop bickering but the room went silent and he stormed out. I guess they went on to have a bigger fight and are now taking a break. She blames the escalation of the fight on my comment but I don’t regret standing up for her. Am I the asshole and do I owe either of them an apology?

It sounds like you did not mean to harm anyone with your comment, but there was some consequences regardless. Of course your first instinct is to defend your sister fiercely, as you should, but inserting yourself into a couple’s argument is also a little ballsy. As much as I want to say you owe no one an apology and your sis is so lucky to have you, their relationship is struggling and their point of view is clearly different. 

I think from your point of view, you saw your sister being treated poorly and felt the need to defend her. You expected your comment to lighten the mood, not make things worse. You truly believed your sister deserved better in the moment and your intentions were good. With all of this said, sometimes you can totally mean well and still hurt someones feelings. The reality is, you do not get to decide that you did not hurt them. So in short, no I do not think you are the asshole in this situation, however I think with some understanding of the other point of view and some compassion, an apology may not be the worst thing. 

Although I am not in your sisters shoes and can not speak for her, this is how I imagine she feels. She probably feels a bit embarrassed that you intervened in their conversation. Although they were not having the conversation in private, it is still a private conflict between two people who were not looking for outside input. She probably believes your comment escalated the situation because there was no solution happening and there was a dramatic reaction (him storming out). She may also feel anxious being caught between her loyalty to him and her loyalty to you. No one likes when their loved ones are beefing. 

Your sisters boyfriend is another different perspective. He probably felt angry in the moment, which makes us more vulnerable to lashing out at others. He likely felt attacked or maybe even undermined, which probably hurt his pride and ego. Your comment, although meant to be light, probably cut him deeply because of his already emotional state. He probably stormed out to avoid lashing out at you, which left their discussion unfinished. Later on, they probably had to re-hash the fight from an already emotionally drained state. But to end in taking a break, there were clearly bigger issues than you cracking a joke about your sister being out of his league. 

Your potential solutions would be to stick to what you said and not apologize for standing up to him on your sisters behalf, or apologize for your involvement to inspire some resolution. Explain your intentions to your sister, remind her you have her back and love her, but take responsibility for your comment causing more harm than good. As for her boyfriend, if you are feeling like extending an extra olive branch, you could reach out and apologize for overstepping and set an example for some maturity. This is not condoning his behavior, but apologizing for your involvement to keep the peace. 

Overall, it is never wrong to stand up for your sister and show her how much you care, but sometimes our words can be misconstrued in the wrong moment. Wishing you the best in these upcoming conversations! Update us! xo